Yes ranting. I'm personally gonna rant about my personal life, because I just feel a horrible need to share recent experiences which has changed me, probably forever. I don't know if anyone will read it or not, that dosen't really matter for me, but I think and feel that it is worth sharing. I am 90% likely to just hit the back button in IE, and forget this ever happened, but we shall see. I plan for this to be fairly open, and I consider it free group therapy. :P
A little under 3 months ago, I was basically laid off from my job, because my boss was selling the business, and moving away. I assume that this isn't a horrible problem, since I can find work just about anywhere nearby. I live in a two bedroom apartment with a room mate and his girlfriend. A little background information first.
7 months before i moved into this apartment, and 14 months before I got laid off, 3 friends and I moved into a 4 bedroom house with a nice pool and a good backyard, and a big frontyard. It was pretty nice, and there were some problems in this situation too. Since they are amusing I will share them, but I won't use any names.
One room mate within the first month of moving in started to become a little loose in the head (loosing some marbles) and began writing on his walls, sweeping the roof, drawing with chalk all over around the pool, stacking stones etc. Before a month was up (before 2nd month's rent was due) he inadvertently smoked something from a bong and lost it. He flipped out, walked to my mother's house (down the street like 3-4 houses), got naked, threw the bbq on the roof, tried to burn some curtain rods, broke a window, but a hole through the door, and hit my brother with a decent sized piece of wood (on his shoulder), the whole time screaming something about how all mothers are poisoning the earth. My brother was only 17 at the time, but is bigger then my friend and if my brother was violent, my friend probably would have got hurt. My brother was smarter then that and sent my sister to the neihbors house when he saw my friend coming, then called the police. They came and put my friend in a mental hospital for pysh evaluation for 2 weeks.
My current roommate that lived with me in the house as well as this apartment (you would think I would learn) had some interesting problems as well. I'm sure all roommates have their "quirks", but his was a biggie. He never finished anything he started. He got some free horse manure to make a garden and then left it in bags strewn about in front of the house for a couple months. He cut down all the bushes around the house then left them in various piles scattered about. He began cleaning his room, and how he did this was by puting 3+ months of laundry on the back porch (and kept piling it up back there for an additional month). I rarely cook in the kitchen and when I do, I clean all my dishes and the area I cooked in within' a day. He still to this day refuses to clean dishes before ALL of them are used, literally making both sinks and the counters are filled with dishes. (For a while I cleaned dishes occasionally but I just got tired of it.)
The same roommate with the jobs issue had one other flaw. He worked his way into selling pot, selling all, bringing tons of clients into the house. I thought, I'm going to be a entrepreneur, and so bought alot of chocalates, (reces, M&Ms, etc.) stuffed it in the fridge, and I sold them for 50 cents a piece. It was basically the honor system, buy a candy, but the money in the candy box. The roommate throws a big party, DJ, and about 60+ people show up. Amazingly the candy and all the money in the box disappear. I tell the roommate about it, his response is "It's your fault, you should have known to move it when a party comes around". WTF!.
Oh it continues, I wonder if I've gained or lost readers at this point. Oh well, on I go. About 2 months before we move out of the house, my roommate gets robbed at gunpoint, has his PS2, his safe stolen. Then on the way to pick up more "supplies" with a random person he met at burning man, he gets robbed by the random man for all the "supplies" and all his money. All at the same time that the roommate has a insatiable addiction to collecting O'reily books, charging up well over 5 grand worth in a few months. At this point he is beyond broke, and has creditors calling. Did I mention that he was the one in charge of paying the utilities? That worked well. Water gets turned off, toilets and showers don't work, so I'm making frequent trips to visit my family. Me and another roommate (only 3 of us now, since one went looney and basically moved out) give some money to have the water turned back on, approx. 130+ dollars each. Water is turned back on, all is well. Next bill comes, isn't paid, water is turned off again. I settle up with roommate and make sure all my past utilities are paid in full giving him just under 500 dollars. A week later the phones are turned off, blam no DSL. Withdrawl sets in, then the worst happens. Electricity turns off, and one roommate (not the one in charge of paying the utilities) has had it and he moves out. So now its two of us, paying for a place it would have taken 4 of us to pay for with no water, electricity, or phones, and my roommate dosen't have a job. After a month in this hellhole, shorting our landlord for money, we move out, with his girlfriend bailing him out and paying several months in advance on the new place. Background completed.
In the new place, all the same problems with the roommates apply, including not finishing projects etc. Some problems are magnifyed a hundred fold. When they have sex, she is a moaner and a screamer, and they are like rabbits. Might not be a problem, if I hadn't been friends with the roommate for all of highschool and 3+ years after. Fastforward a bit, they watch the cable TV, but refuse to help pay for it, saying they don't watch it. Dishes still don't get done ever, and occasionally clothes pile up outside their door for months of laundry. The girlfriend cuts the roommates hair (with clippers and stuff, not just shaving) and leaves alot of it on the bathroom floors.
Recently they asked if it would be alright if they got a kitten or a cat. Animals reduce stress, and I readily agree to it, I like cats, they are nice. Next time I look there are two big ass fat, old cats living here now. They almost never clean the cat box, and the cat food dishes are empty a good 1/2 the time, and the cats are always meowing trying to get food. The cat litter box instead of being cleaned out, just got more litter poured on it every week or so. After 4-5 weeks of this, the amonia in the downstairs part of the apartment was so bad that you couldn't go downstairs without your eyes watering. They still refused to clean it out, so I did, for the sake of the cats and myself.
Fast forwarding to the meaningful parts. Its been 3 months since I had a job. The first month I did nothing, assuming that my boss that laid me off would hire me back. No go. Paid under the table means on unemployment for me. I already have no money, things are bad. I start sending resumes and filling out job applications, a month later STILL nothing. I have been living since the second month partially from doing odd jobs, but mostly from my friends. When I say friends, I don't mean roommate, he hasn't done shit but nag me non-stop until my ears are bleeding. I have three friends in particular that have put themselves out for me for months, buying me food, when they know I am hungry, hanging out with me and trying to keep me from basically going off the deep end.
To top it all off, I have 2 pronounced cavities and one of my wisdom teeth are compacted and needs to be removed.
I am not going to lie. I have considered suicide. I don't know why, my problems aren't as big as some other peoples problems, but it seemed a logical way out, and I even attempted once. It turns out though, trying to suffocate yourself is hard to follow through on. The lack of air to your lungs hurts alot, and while concious, it is hard to ignore that pain. I don't know really why im writing this, but I know it is getting long, so I'll end it very soon.
I called my dad recently after not talking to him in a couple years, and we went and ate a nice dinner and talked. It was really nice to see him again. Though apprehensive I asked to borrow some money, and without a second of thought, he agreed, without even asking me how much I need. So again I'll be getting back to the applications, after I buy some new shoes to replace the onces I've had for 18 months just about. Did I mention that I am intimidating and people don't consider hiring me because of that reason? I am 6' 6" and weight 325 lbs. I have size 16 feet. Buying shoes is not fun, and I'm not looking forward to it. So even though my friends might not read this, I want to thank them for being there for me, you guys have no idea how much it means to me.
Hi, My name is Kenneth Perry, and things are looking up.
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Gromikazer Terrorforge -Veldruk- Orbdrin D'oloth
For those that want to read something
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Gromikazer
- Sojourner
- Posts: 244
- Joined: Wed Apr 10, 2002 5:01 am
Ken:
Hang in there. Its tough for a lot of people now. I've been looking for a job as well, for about 5 months now... living on the last of my savings in the meantime. You never know how the economy will do, and whether a job will open up in your line of work... but options always open up for hard workers who have their head screwed on correctly. I think you'll do fine in the long run if you continue to have a positive outlook.
Corth
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Goddamned slippery mage.
Hang in there. Its tough for a lot of people now. I've been looking for a job as well, for about 5 months now... living on the last of my savings in the meantime. You never know how the economy will do, and whether a job will open up in your line of work... but options always open up for hard workers who have their head screwed on correctly. I think you'll do fine in the long run if you continue to have a positive outlook.
Corth
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Goddamned slippery mage.
Good morning Ken.
It's Chris
I know we've had some bumps, but hang in there man. I know you deep down and you are a good person. It sounds like you have people that care about you, close to you. Asking your father for help was a good idea.
It's brave of you to post, there are hundreds of other people here with similar issues, but are too afraid or don't care to tell other people. Sometimes, and I've been there, I know its hard but don't let others bring you down. It sounds like you are on the right track and things are looking up?
Don't do anything rash, don't jump to any sudden decision, don't jump to anything period. You may not want to hear all of this from me I don't know so I hope other people post too, but, the world just can't afford to lose anymore good people, and hurts me to read your post.
Please take care and don't hesitate to ask for help.
Chris
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Wobb
"If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth." --Chef, South Park
It's Chris
I know we've had some bumps, but hang in there man. I know you deep down and you are a good person. It sounds like you have people that care about you, close to you. Asking your father for help was a good idea.
It's brave of you to post, there are hundreds of other people here with similar issues, but are too afraid or don't care to tell other people. Sometimes, and I've been there, I know its hard but don't let others bring you down. It sounds like you are on the right track and things are looking up?
Don't do anything rash, don't jump to any sudden decision, don't jump to anything period. You may not want to hear all of this from me I don't know so I hope other people post too, but, the world just can't afford to lose anymore good people, and hurts me to read your post.
Please take care and don't hesitate to ask for help.
Chris
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Wobb
"If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth." --Chef, South Park
I can sympathize with you on the bad roommates part 
I was in college and decided not to move back home for the summer. My dad told me never to come home again and not to talk to my mom or sisters again. @$$hole!! Anyways...
My first roommate in college (whom shall remain anon to protect the stupid) and I got my ex's old apt (when we were still together). She smoked, I'm a severe asthmatic, so she had to go outside. Then she starts bringing this guy over that thinks he knows everything about everything
(He tried hacking on MY computer while I was in class 
) I can hear them having sex *gag* but I figured she at least knew the guy. NOPE! He stalked her for months before they started screwing (I mean dating). Real brain here. So one night I get back from my night class and there's a party going on, but my roommate is no where. Her b/f is throwing a party at our apt. How he got in is beyond me. The next morning, my guitar amp comes up missing. I ask my roommate who declares that her b/f would NEVER do a thing like that (I never did get it back).
A month or two later, she tells me she's pregnant. I asked if she used protection and she said "sometimes" Then there's a message on the answering machine saying that a pager was left at their apt. I called them back and it turns out the guy she's screwing, has also been banging one of the girls in the next apt. My roommate didn't believe me. She ended up moving out. Didn't tell me either. I came back and all her stuff was gone. I called her to find out if she was ok, and she bitched me out, saying it was MY fault she got pregnant. WTF?!?! I don't have the right eq to get anyone pregnant! So I needed a new roommate. I got one and wish I hadn't.
She moved in and she was rich, so she could afford to help with the bills. Not so! She had to spend all her money on clothes. So we ended up having to move into the house with my ex (was still together at this point) and 7 other guys. She wouldn't pay the bills there either, and I got bitched at for it. She decided that even tho she's engaged, that her fiance' is 500 miles away and she starts sleeping with one of the guys at the house. She eventually moved out. We got into a huge catfight on the front porch (the guys were all watching from the windows) and that was the end of her.
Then my ex and I are living in the same room in the house. BIG mistake. My uncle died in a DD accident and I started to lose it (especially after my dad callously tells me "Your uncle Mark died last night in a car wreck. We're coming down to get you.") My ex was supposed to go with me, we even got permission from the school to have a week off to mourn. At the last minute, he decides he's not going. I go by myself and get bitched at the whole time home. Made me feel really good My ex decides also he's not going to go to class. He was already told he didn't have to. So he played games all week, while I was going through hell. I get back, still upset and crying, and he tells me to "Get over it. He's dead". Boy, was I PISSED!!
So I start talking to his best friend quite a bit on the net, who tried his best to keep us together. I ended up liking his best friend better (actually listened, was just my best friend). Then I found out that my mom might have cancer. I lose it (only 3 months after my uncle's death) and the dr. puts me on Buspar. BIGGER mistake. I went psycho. Couldn't control what I was doing. I beat the hell out of my ex and don't remember it. Went out and had a beer with my friends and the guys at the house locked me out. Needless to say, once the semester was over... I moved out.
I stopped the Buspar on my own (damn dr. didn't want to report my psychosis). Moved back in the dorms. Another guy friend of mine knew I just broke up with my ex of 3 years, so what's he do? He RAPED ME!! He is still after me today. He won't get the hint to FUCK OFF!!
So after a year, I started dating my ex's best friend (after my ex decided he wanted to become a woman and gave us his blessing). Things progressed and I'm happy to say that we're married
I don't have any money cause no one will hire me (2 degrees so I'm going back to school in January for occupational therapy). I've tried suicide several dozens of times, and I always screw it up, but I haven't thought about that in a while now. Things will get better I'm the happiest I've ever been. Hope things get better for you too! (if you're still reading this 
)
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Musi "Desperate to get ress" {-Randgriur-} Waelcyrge Sororitas
I was in college and decided not to move back home for the summer. My dad told me never to come home again and not to talk to my mom or sisters again. @$$hole!! Anyways...
My first roommate in college (whom shall remain anon to protect the stupid) and I got my ex's old apt (when we were still together). She smoked, I'm a severe asthmatic, so she had to go outside. Then she starts bringing this guy over that thinks he knows everything about everything
(He tried hacking on MY computer while I was in class ) I can hear them having sex *gag* but I figured she at least knew the guy. NOPE! He stalked her for months before they started screwing (I mean dating). Real brain here. So one night I get back from my night class and there's a party going on, but my roommate is no where. Her b/f is throwing a party at our apt. How he got in is beyond me. The next morning, my guitar amp comes up missing. I ask my roommate who declares that her b/f would NEVER do a thing like that (I never did get it back).A month or two later, she tells me she's pregnant. I asked if she used protection and she said "sometimes"
Then there's a message on the answering machine saying that a pager was left at their apt. I called them back and it turns out the guy she's screwing, has also been banging one of the girls in the next apt. My roommate didn't believe me. She ended up moving out. Didn't tell me either. I came back and all her stuff was gone. I called her to find out if she was ok, and she bitched me out, saying it was MY fault she got pregnant. WTF?!?! I don't have the right eq to get anyone pregnant! So I needed a new roommate. I got one and wish I hadn't.She moved in and she was rich, so she could afford to help with the bills. Not so! She had to spend all her money on clothes. So we ended up having to move into the house with my ex (was still together at this point) and 7 other guys. She wouldn't pay the bills there either, and I got bitched at for it. She decided that even tho she's engaged, that her fiance' is 500 miles away and she starts sleeping with one of the guys at the house. She eventually moved out. We got into a huge catfight on the front porch (the guys were all watching from the windows) and that was the end of her.
Then my ex and I are living in the same room in the house. BIG mistake. My uncle died in a DD accident and I started to lose it (especially after my dad callously tells me "Your uncle Mark died last night in a car wreck. We're coming down to get you.") My ex was supposed to go with me, we even got permission from the school to have a week off to mourn. At the last minute, he decides he's not going. I go by myself and get bitched at the whole time home. Made me feel really good
My ex decides also he's not going to go to class. He was already told he didn't have to. So he played games all week, while I was going through hell. I get back, still upset and crying, and he tells me to "Get over it. He's dead". Boy, was I PISSED!!So I start talking to his best friend quite a bit on the net, who tried his best to keep us together. I ended up liking his best friend better (actually listened, was just my best friend). Then I found out that my mom might have cancer. I lose it (only 3 months after my uncle's death) and the dr. puts me on Buspar. BIGGER mistake. I went psycho. Couldn't control what I was doing. I beat the hell out of my ex and don't remember it. Went out and had a beer with my friends and the guys at the house locked me out. Needless to say, once the semester was over... I moved out.
I stopped the Buspar on my own (damn dr. didn't want to report my psychosis). Moved back in the dorms. Another guy friend of mine knew I just broke up with my ex of 3 years, so what's he do? He RAPED ME!! He is still after me today. He won't get the hint to FUCK OFF!!
So after a year, I started dating my ex's best friend (after my ex decided he wanted to become a woman and gave us his blessing). Things progressed and I'm happy to say that we're married
I don't have any money cause no one will hire me (2 degrees so I'm going back to school in January for occupational therapy). I've tried suicide several dozens of times, and I always screw it up, but I haven't thought about that in a while now. Things will get better I'm the happiest I've ever been. Hope things get better for you too! (if you're still reading this )------------------
Musi "Desperate to get ress" {-Randgriur-} Waelcyrge Sororitas
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Silsaterur
- Sojourner
- Posts: 195
- Joined: Mon Oct 28, 2002 6:01 am
- Location: Oakville, Ontario, Canada
- Contact:
Simplest thing you can do Ken, if you are not happy with the situation in which you live, change it.
Hell, if you have to, just go back to your parents place. Just, go somewhere you are comfortable amd can get things done in peace.
Trust me, I've been in some shitty situations that were really just the end result my just accepting them.
About being intimidating? eh... Like 5 of my freinds are like that... I call Stuart the "Big scary bear-man."
Sincerely,
Evan M. Ezewski
"Looking down on things, I realized, there was nowhere left to go, but up."
-me.
Hell, if you have to, just go back to your parents place. Just, go somewhere you are comfortable amd can get things done in peace.
Trust me, I've been in some shitty situations that were really just the end result my just accepting them.
About being intimidating? eh... Like 5 of my freinds are like that... I call Stuart the "Big scary bear-man."
Sincerely,
Evan M. Ezewski
"Looking down on things, I realized, there was nowhere left to go, but up."
-me.
Ken,
Keep your head up bro. I know you've been threw some shit, I think most people have.
I myself have been down the life's not worth living road.
I had alot of shit happen to me early on in life. I was still in highschool.blahblah... with the help of my family and my priest i was able to get threw it, then once again in college i thought life was just to horrible to live, i would never be able to get threw the time I was having. only thing holding me back was i relized life was like a game, you leave early you let the rest of the world win.... i was fadding in that though and just when i thought it all should end, i didnt have any other recourse....
i met the love of my life, she straightened me out gave me something to live for again, mad an honest man of me and made me marry her.. now life is looking up and i am just living from day to day trying to make the best of it
the best advice i can give say are 2 old widly used quotes...
its always darkest before the dawn
and
live it just one day at a time *i think from a song* :P
just remember bro you have friends both in rl and here, and if shit just gets to be to bad, send me a tell, i will give ya my phone number, if we cant talk it threw, i will fly you out to stay with me and my wife for a lil vacation for ya
Jim
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MoM-D
Keep your head up bro. I know you've been threw some shit, I think most people have.
I myself have been down the life's not worth living road.
I had alot of shit happen to me early on in life. I was still in highschool.blahblah... with the help of my family and my priest i was able to get threw it, then once again in college i thought life was just to horrible to live, i would never be able to get threw the time I was having. only thing holding me back was i relized life was like a game, you leave early you let the rest of the world win.... i was fadding in that though and just when i thought it all should end, i didnt have any other recourse....
i met the love of my life, she straightened me out gave me something to live for again, mad an honest man of me and made me marry her.. now life is looking up and i am just living from day to day trying to make the best of it
the best advice i can give say are 2 old widly used quotes...
its always darkest before the dawn
and
live it just one day at a time *i think from a song* :P
just remember bro you have friends both in rl and here, and if shit just gets to be to bad, send me a tell, i will give ya my phone number, if we cant talk it threw, i will fly you out to stay with me and my wife for a lil vacation for ya
Jim
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MoM-D
Hang in there man. I read your whole story, and a lot of the stuff rings true with me in there. I went from being a college drop-out(thanks MUD! (I'm not bitter)), to being a heavy drug user and lowlife scum, to figuring stuff out and getting my life on track. I've had all the bad roomates too and for a while there I was the guy sweeping the roof heh.
It only gets better, generally not worse and now I've got my life turned around and a lead computer technician for a small company (waited and hunted for 5 years before I found this job, working several manual labor jobs in the meantime), I own a house myself, I have a nice car, I've got great girlfriend and a beautifull kid, and I still get to MUD every now and then
It's definately worth it to stick around in this world.
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Ruld Ragingbear
It only gets better, generally not worse and now I've got my life turned around and a lead computer technician for a small company (waited and hunted for 5 years before I found this job, working several manual labor jobs in the meantime), I own a house myself, I have a nice car, I've got great girlfriend and a beautifull kid, and I still get to MUD every now and then
It's definately worth it to stick around in this world.
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Ruld Ragingbear
I sympathize with you Ken.. I got laid off last November.. A month after my roommate moved out of a 2 bedroom apartment, and with my swanky high-paying job, I could afford $1,100 a month by myself...
12 months later, my unemployment is up, I owe close to $5,000 to various folks that have bailed me out, I am working shitty temp positions, and have a good bead on a job.. Except the job pays less than half what I was earnign before. It was, however, only the third interview I have had in a year, and I've sent my resume to over 2000 places.
Add to that, I stopped talking to my mother about a year ago because she has a substance abuse problem (oxycontin, alcohol, pot, cocaine). In retaliation, since my car was in her name, she came down in the middle of the night to my house(an hour away from her), with a locksmith, had him use a master key, and -stole- my car (and attempted to coerce me to talk to her, and taunt me with it, after I had filed a police report, saying it was stolen). Mind you, I was paying all the bills on it. Thus I had to borrow over 2000 dollars from someone just to pay it off so I had wheels again.
I am now hunting desperately for a roommate, so these temp jobs and this low paying position I am going for can pay the rent. The problem therein lies that I like my privacy, and I lose my gaming room... I've been able to pay the rent on time up to this point though, and of course, it's due in 3 days and I have about 40 bucks to my name.
Life sucks sometimes, but the brightside is that it can get much worse. I look at some folks I know/knew, and my mother, and realize I don't have life too bad.
http://www.mkp.org
At the risk of being ridiculed for trying something different to turn my life around... The above link is a link to the organization I belong to. Non-Profit, and it is a group of men trying to be healthy. That is; be in integrity, find out what the sacred masculine is, be initiated as a man(this has been done for thousands of years, and only recently has it stopped being done), deal with my wounds (my childhood sucked), and help others work with theirs.. It also helps me learn that I mean something, and am valuable.. Not to mention I have been gradually less and less angry as a result.
If you don't like links like these, don't go to it. And please don't flame me for something I choose to do in my life to make it better.
Keep your chin up Ken. I don't know you except from what I read on this BBS, but know that your words are heard and understood.
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Malacar - omg ymir!
12 months later, my unemployment is up, I owe close to $5,000 to various folks that have bailed me out, I am working shitty temp positions, and have a good bead on a job.. Except the job pays less than half what I was earnign before. It was, however, only the third interview I have had in a year, and I've sent my resume to over 2000 places.
Add to that, I stopped talking to my mother about a year ago because she has a substance abuse problem (oxycontin, alcohol, pot, cocaine). In retaliation, since my car was in her name, she came down in the middle of the night to my house(an hour away from her), with a locksmith, had him use a master key, and -stole- my car (and attempted to coerce me to talk to her, and taunt me with it, after I had filed a police report, saying it was stolen). Mind you, I was paying all the bills on it. Thus I had to borrow over 2000 dollars from someone just to pay it off so I had wheels again.
I am now hunting desperately for a roommate, so these temp jobs and this low paying position I am going for can pay the rent. The problem therein lies that I like my privacy, and I lose my gaming room... I've been able to pay the rent on time up to this point though, and of course, it's due in 3 days and I have about 40 bucks to my name.
Life sucks sometimes, but the brightside is that it can get much worse. I look at some folks I know/knew, and my mother, and realize I don't have life too bad.
http://www.mkp.org
At the risk of being ridiculed for trying something different to turn my life around... The above link is a link to the organization I belong to. Non-Profit, and it is a group of men trying to be healthy. That is; be in integrity, find out what the sacred masculine is, be initiated as a man(this has been done for thousands of years, and only recently has it stopped being done), deal with my wounds (my childhood sucked), and help others work with theirs.. It also helps me learn that I mean something, and am valuable.. Not to mention I have been gradually less and less angry as a result.
If you don't like links like these, don't go to it. And please don't flame me for something I choose to do in my life to make it better.
Keep your chin up Ken. I don't know you except from what I read on this BBS, but know that your words are heard and understood.
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Malacar - omg ymir!
Ken:
I don't know you very well beyond you helping me play my lowbie evil now and then but I read your story and believe me, my heart goes out to you. A lot of us here have had hard lives. We spend hours a day staring at scrolling colored text because most of us feel accepted here when the world is cruel.
I myself have had a hell of a life in just 22 years of being alive. My father was an alcoholic and abused me until I was 20 years old. To this day I can't forget all the times he beat me with bats, broomsticks, and other such implements for not being a perfect daughter. My mother has no backbone and would not stick up for her children. I spent years suffering mental, emotional, and physical abuse at his hands. I still have the scar along my neck where he tried to slit my throat.
School was my haven and I did well in my small grammar school. When highschool came, I was forced to go into the huge local highschool and it was daunting after having graduated from a school with no more than 200 students from grades 1-8 at one time. I met the wrong people, abused drugs and alcohol very heavily and was in and out of rehab centers for years. I tried to fix my life and so begged my parents to move to a different town so I could start over. They complied and I graduated from highschool with a very high gpa, though I never left my room for that diploma.
From the time I was 12, I found the most happiness on this mud, it was the one place where I felt the love of friendship. I got into a decent college and once again felt out of place. I joined a sorority (instant friends) and spent a lot of time mudding and drinking. I got raped twice in a fraternity house I had gone to for a big party and voluntarily put myself through psychiatric therapy to get over it. All I managed to do was get thrown out because I tried to kill my counselor. I had a few relationships that were never good, the men beat me and/or abused me emotionally. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 13 years old and I still struggle with the constant rollercoaster of emotions. I was put on Prozac and then Sensival and I took myself off of both for they weren't helping at all.
I think I have spent 90% of my life crying. I have the scars on my wrists and my arms from trying to kill myself and the memory of the many times I tried to die using sleeping pills and vodka.
Life is getting better for me now when I used to think there were no options but death.
I was diagnosed with diabetes, kidney disease, and liver disease all in a span of 2 years and I cannot afford healthcare. I don't believe in God really, but an angel sent my uncle to me. He paid thousands of dollars to bring me to Korea, to get healthcare and other support. He has been putting money aside for me so I can visit some mudders when I go back to the states and is sending me to school again. Good things happen to those who have suffered and wait as patiently as they can.
My diseases are now in a sort of remission I guess, they are not getting worse. I am getting good healthcare and for the first time, I can honestly say I am happy. Though I still struggle with controlling my emotions, I no longer feel the burden of horrible depression. I have found the love of my life and he helps me stay strong. For the first time, I have found that life is better than death. Stay strong, Ken, we are here for you. My shoulder is always available should you need to rest your head and talk.
Love,
Hei
------------------
Jennie
@}--`--,---
I don't know you very well beyond you helping me play my lowbie evil now and then but I read your story and believe me, my heart goes out to you. A lot of us here have had hard lives. We spend hours a day staring at scrolling colored text because most of us feel accepted here when the world is cruel.
I myself have had a hell of a life in just 22 years of being alive. My father was an alcoholic and abused me until I was 20 years old. To this day I can't forget all the times he beat me with bats, broomsticks, and other such implements for not being a perfect daughter. My mother has no backbone and would not stick up for her children. I spent years suffering mental, emotional, and physical abuse at his hands. I still have the scar along my neck where he tried to slit my throat.
School was my haven and I did well in my small grammar school. When highschool came, I was forced to go into the huge local highschool and it was daunting after having graduated from a school with no more than 200 students from grades 1-8 at one time. I met the wrong people, abused drugs and alcohol very heavily and was in and out of rehab centers for years. I tried to fix my life and so begged my parents to move to a different town so I could start over. They complied and I graduated from highschool with a very high gpa, though I never left my room for that diploma.
From the time I was 12, I found the most happiness on this mud, it was the one place where I felt the love of friendship. I got into a decent college and once again felt out of place. I joined a sorority (instant friends) and spent a lot of time mudding and drinking. I got raped twice in a fraternity house I had gone to for a big party and voluntarily put myself through psychiatric therapy to get over it. All I managed to do was get thrown out because I tried to kill my counselor. I had a few relationships that were never good, the men beat me and/or abused me emotionally. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 13 years old and I still struggle with the constant rollercoaster of emotions. I was put on Prozac and then Sensival and I took myself off of both for they weren't helping at all.
I think I have spent 90% of my life crying. I have the scars on my wrists and my arms from trying to kill myself and the memory of the many times I tried to die using sleeping pills and vodka.
Life is getting better for me now when I used to think there were no options but death.
I was diagnosed with diabetes, kidney disease, and liver disease all in a span of 2 years and I cannot afford healthcare. I don't believe in God really, but an angel sent my uncle to me. He paid thousands of dollars to bring me to Korea, to get healthcare and other support. He has been putting money aside for me so I can visit some mudders when I go back to the states and is sending me to school again. Good things happen to those who have suffered and wait as patiently as they can.
My diseases are now in a sort of remission I guess, they are not getting worse. I am getting good healthcare and for the first time, I can honestly say I am happy. Though I still struggle with controlling my emotions, I no longer feel the burden of horrible depression. I have found the love of my life and he helps me stay strong. For the first time, I have found that life is better than death. Stay strong, Ken, we are here for you. My shoulder is always available should you need to rest your head and talk.
Love,
Hei
------------------
Jennie
@}--`--,---
-
Arilin Nydelahar
- Sojourner
- Posts: 1499
- Joined: Sat Jul 27, 2002 5:01 am
- Location: Virginia Beach
- Contact:
Hey Ken,
I can somewhat agree with what you've said. For those that know me well enough, known about this past two weeks or so of mine. Been pretty horrid. I won't bore people with details, but I've often thought of just pulling the trigger, or 'accidently' falling on a sword :P It'll look up eventually, it always does. Everyone goes through hard times, the thing to remember is there are people we consider friends, we can talk to and they will listen. I always have an ear open for my friends, just vent, rant, whatever helps you deal with the problems at hand. There's always a way. So, to be completely cliche, Chin up, and fly right. Or something. Look on the brightside.
There is always a brightside. I'm done ranting now, and guess I should pay attention to class.
------------------
Arilin Nydelahar - Zulkir of Necromancy
Death is a state of mind.
I can somewhat agree with what you've said. For those that know me well enough, known about this past two weeks or so of mine. Been pretty horrid. I won't bore people with details, but I've often thought of just pulling the trigger, or 'accidently' falling on a sword :P It'll look up eventually, it always does. Everyone goes through hard times, the thing to remember is there are people we consider friends, we can talk to and they will listen. I always have an ear open for my friends, just vent, rant, whatever helps you deal with the problems at hand. There's always a way. So, to be completely cliche, Chin up, and fly right. Or something. Look on the brightside.
There is always a brightside. I'm done ranting now, and guess I should pay attention to class.
------------------
Arilin Nydelahar - Zulkir of Necromancy
Death is a state of mind.
-
Guest
Well, Kenny is a RL friend of mine. Yes, I did read it... and yes, I was kinda surprised to read about the thoughts of suicide. I've been in that mind-set myself before.
What he didn't mention is the fact that in times when he was doing well, he was there to help out his friends who weren't doing well. Sure, some of us have been helping him a tad (minor ways, buying him a meal and such), but Kenny ya gotta realize that when I was in that boat YOU were doing the same thing for me.
Kenny, you are simply the friendliest, nicest person I know. You manage to get along with people who I wouldn't be able to stand for 10 minutes (and in the process I've sometimes learned that I could stand them, since I was hanging around Kenny - but they never would've had the chance without him around).
I know you feel bad that some of us have been helping you out, but you really shouldn't. You would and have done the same thing for us, it's only fair. There'll be a time in your life where one of us needs help, and you'll be able to provide it.
As for the intimidating comment, you really aren't. Sure, you're a big person (I'd weight the same as you if I was 6'6", but I'm only 5'11"), but your congeniality comes to the forefront if someone talks to you for even 5 minutes.
Keep your head up, bro.
What he didn't mention is the fact that in times when he was doing well, he was there to help out his friends who weren't doing well. Sure, some of us have been helping him a tad (minor ways, buying him a meal and such), but Kenny ya gotta realize that when I was in that boat YOU were doing the same thing for me.
Kenny, you are simply the friendliest, nicest person I know. You manage to get along with people who I wouldn't be able to stand for 10 minutes (and in the process I've sometimes learned that I could stand them, since I was hanging around Kenny - but they never would've had the chance without him around).
I know you feel bad that some of us have been helping you out, but you really shouldn't. You would and have done the same thing for us, it's only fair. There'll be a time in your life where one of us needs help, and you'll be able to provide it.
As for the intimidating comment, you really aren't. Sure, you're a big person (I'd weight the same as you if I was 6'6", but I'm only 5'11"), but your congeniality comes to the forefront if someone talks to you for even 5 minutes.
Keep your head up, bro.
-
Baikalisan
- Sojourner
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2001 5:01 am
- Contact:
*hugs you close*
I wish to God there was something i could do to help you out. Other than being here as your friend, there isnt much i can do. I hope that is enough.
Luv
Baikalisan
aka Barbara
------------------
Baikalisan Terrorforge- Valsharess Elg'Caress - Orbdrin D'oloth
Ellana tells you 'i WISH he was the energizer bunny. all i'd need to do is take out the batteries and duckpond him'
I wish to God there was something i could do to help you out. Other than being here as your friend, there isnt much i can do. I hope that is enough.
Luv
Baikalisan
aka Barbara
------------------
Baikalisan Terrorforge- Valsharess Elg'Caress - Orbdrin D'oloth
Ellana tells you 'i WISH he was the energizer bunny. all i'd need to do is take out the batteries and duckpond him'
Ken,
I don't know you at all, but the hurt in your voice is blaringly clear. I know how lows can be but the good thing is that things can only improve.
I think all of us can recall times when we were at the brink of our existence, and there seemed like no end the the suffering and misery that pervaded every aspect of our life.
I think that it's times like these when we seek clarity amidst the chaos. As you mention, things _are_ looking up. Take advantage of this! It seems like a renewed relationship with your dad is taking root. Would it be feasable to move in with family until you can get back on your feet? I know how much this can hurt people's pride, but sometimes you need to do extraordinary things to get out of extraordinary circumstances. In any regard, I would suggest getting some cheap housing (i.e., relatives not friends) and perhaps a change of scenery may be in order.
I'm frequently surprised at the simplicity of how successful people continue to be successful. It really comes down to consistently making good informed decisions. Logging onto the mud, reading the bbs, spending time with your family, pursuing your dreams, all of these are decisions - each with their own utility/cost. Free will is kinda f*cked up like that.
I work as a commercial real estate broker and I deal with some very wealthy people. You'll find that these people can be very uncomprimsing, but it is this trait that has got them to where they are today.
Your dad wants to see you flourish, and no parent wants to see their progeny suffer. As a father I know that I would do whatever is humanly possible/legal to give my kids a better shot at succeeding in life.
Adversity is a neat thing. I'm sure sometime soon you'll look back on this and be quite satisfied on how you managed to get yourself out of this mess.
Feel free to email me if I can be of any assistance. What kind of work experience do you have? What are you looking to get into? Maybe the people here can help.
Toarn
[This message has been edited by Keran (edited 10-29-2002).]
I don't know you at all, but the hurt in your voice is blaringly clear. I know how lows can be but the good thing is that things can only improve.
I think all of us can recall times when we were at the brink of our existence, and there seemed like no end the the suffering and misery that pervaded every aspect of our life.
I think that it's times like these when we seek clarity amidst the chaos. As you mention, things _are_ looking up. Take advantage of this! It seems like a renewed relationship with your dad is taking root. Would it be feasable to move in with family until you can get back on your feet? I know how much this can hurt people's pride, but sometimes you need to do extraordinary things to get out of extraordinary circumstances. In any regard, I would suggest getting some cheap housing (i.e., relatives not friends) and perhaps a change of scenery may be in order.
I'm frequently surprised at the simplicity of how successful people continue to be successful. It really comes down to consistently making good informed decisions. Logging onto the mud, reading the bbs, spending time with your family, pursuing your dreams, all of these are decisions - each with their own utility/cost. Free will is kinda f*cked up like that.
I work as a commercial real estate broker and I deal with some very wealthy people. You'll find that these people can be very uncomprimsing, but it is this trait that has got them to where they are today.
Your dad wants to see you flourish, and no parent wants to see their progeny suffer. As a father I know that I would do whatever is humanly possible/legal to give my kids a better shot at succeeding in life.
Adversity is a neat thing. I'm sure sometime soon you'll look back on this and be quite satisfied on how you managed to get yourself out of this mess.
Feel free to email me if I can be of any assistance. What kind of work experience do you have? What are you looking to get into? Maybe the people here can help.
Toarn
[This message has been edited by Keran (edited 10-29-2002).]
Ken,
Having had a menagerie of roomates, some more twisted than others, I'd say if its feasible, change your living situation, let them wallow in their own squallor, move in with the folks if you have to for a bit.
On the big guy thing, I'm like Itchy, 5'11" 235, and have been told that I'm known to appear looming (not sure how that works at my height, but that's what some people say). Personality like Itchy says wins out though.
As to the job, keep on keepin on, I'm lookin too, and its a challenge.
"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." Neitche (my favorite demented German philosopher)
That saying got me through a lot of heavy crap, that and about a case of cheap beer a day.
Stick with it bro, it'll turn around.
Toplack
------------------
Having had a menagerie of roomates, some more twisted than others, I'd say if its feasible, change your living situation, let them wallow in their own squallor, move in with the folks if you have to for a bit.
On the big guy thing, I'm like Itchy, 5'11" 235, and have been told that I'm known to appear looming (not sure how that works at my height, but that's what some people say). Personality like Itchy says wins out though.
As to the job, keep on keepin on, I'm lookin too, and its a challenge.
"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." Neitche (my favorite demented German philosopher)
That saying got me through a lot of heavy crap, that and about a case of cheap beer a day.
Stick with it bro, it'll turn around.
Toplack
------------------
Galok... and dammit your name IS Galok,
It gets better, it always does. We've all been in that place at one time or another. Mine was recent, just last year. I decided to live in the frat house for a year, because I figured it'd be a cool experience and a lot of fun. Well one month into my lease, Emily and I get together and she moves in with me. So there's two of us living in a 10'x9' room with a small closet. There are two bathrooms in the house, both downstairs. Being a frat house, six nights a week there were people either drunk downstairs or yelling at each other out in the front yard until 4:30 in the morning... and my roommate across the hall set his alarm for 7am every morning (no classes, he just liked to get up early). We got no sleep, ever.
The dishes... over the summer we were on a rotation schedule, where one person does the dishes every day. Emily and I were the only ones who ever did them. We once did the dishes on a Wednesday and left for home on Friday. When we left, nobody had done the dishes. Her car broke down at home and we were stuck there for 3 weeks. When we came home, the SAME DISHES WERE STILL IN THE SINK. There was a pot of chick peas on the stove with a family of maggots living in it. Someone had put the rubber stopper into the drain upside down so the entire sink was full of dark brown water. The coffee in the coffee maker was congealed into a thick green substance, like green motor oil. We bought paper plates and ate off those for a month.
Emily started waiting tables to help make our rent (I had student loans). Often she would work an 8 hour shift and come home crying with as little as $10 or $20 in tips. Either that or she'd get a bad shift, the restaurant would be empty, and they'd send her home after an hour with nothing. The fraternity decided she needed a place of her own, so she started paying her own rent off that money. Her roommates were like yours.. they ate all her food, they had a big dog in the house, and the one girl's boyfriend beat the shit out of her. They had parties every night, so more often than not Emily just stayed with me.
More often than not, we didn't make enough money to cover our bills, so we got a credit card. We maxed it to $2000 in 6 months and borrowed another $2000 from my mom to help pay the bills. That money went even faster. Her parents have money and committed to help her, and then her dad suddenly decided he would rather pour his money into war protest and companies that sell female erogenous cream than help his daughter pay her rent. He backed out, leaving us to fend for ourselves. At the same time, my dad (who is retired with his 2nd wife and lives on a beach) told me I was essentially cut off as well, since he was tired of providing his sons with money all the time.
To top it all off, Emily was having some personal issues at the time (she was raped several times throughout her life). Me being a psych major, I did what I could to help. I often stayed up with her until 7:00 talking through some things and helping her get better. I went to class less and less, and in December I got suspended from school for a year because of it.
That's where I was.
This is where I am.
I live in a nice one bedroom apartment with a den in the professional district of the complex, I'm engaged, and we just got a puppy. I have a full time job I enjoy and I make decent money from it. The credit card bill comes down a little more every month. I get back into school in January so I can get my degree. The dishes are always clean here, and nobody is ever standing on my lawn before sunrise screaming in a drunken rage. We don't have money to spend on fun stuff and that gets me down sometimes, but the bills are always paid and the water is always hot.
Stay real, Galok. It does get better. Make some solid choices. Concentrate on getting a job first, then get away from the deadbeat and thieving roommates. Find someone stable to move in with. Live with your family if you have to, I had to move back in with Mommy once. It sucked, but it was better than creditors calling.
You have all the support you could ever ask for, mano.
------------------
- Ragorn
Rondandal tells you 'I take it your goal is to clash?'
It gets better, it always does. We've all been in that place at one time or another. Mine was recent, just last year. I decided to live in the frat house for a year, because I figured it'd be a cool experience and a lot of fun. Well one month into my lease, Emily and I get together and she moves in with me. So there's two of us living in a 10'x9' room with a small closet. There are two bathrooms in the house, both downstairs. Being a frat house, six nights a week there were people either drunk downstairs or yelling at each other out in the front yard until 4:30 in the morning... and my roommate across the hall set his alarm for 7am every morning (no classes, he just liked to get up early). We got no sleep, ever.
The dishes... over the summer we were on a rotation schedule, where one person does the dishes every day. Emily and I were the only ones who ever did them. We once did the dishes on a Wednesday and left for home on Friday. When we left, nobody had done the dishes. Her car broke down at home and we were stuck there for 3 weeks. When we came home, the SAME DISHES WERE STILL IN THE SINK. There was a pot of chick peas on the stove with a family of maggots living in it. Someone had put the rubber stopper into the drain upside down so the entire sink was full of dark brown water. The coffee in the coffee maker was congealed into a thick green substance, like green motor oil. We bought paper plates and ate off those for a month.
Emily started waiting tables to help make our rent (I had student loans). Often she would work an 8 hour shift and come home crying with as little as $10 or $20 in tips. Either that or she'd get a bad shift, the restaurant would be empty, and they'd send her home after an hour with nothing. The fraternity decided she needed a place of her own, so she started paying her own rent off that money. Her roommates were like yours.. they ate all her food, they had a big dog in the house, and the one girl's boyfriend beat the shit out of her. They had parties every night, so more often than not Emily just stayed with me.
More often than not, we didn't make enough money to cover our bills, so we got a credit card. We maxed it to $2000 in 6 months and borrowed another $2000 from my mom to help pay the bills. That money went even faster. Her parents have money and committed to help her, and then her dad suddenly decided he would rather pour his money into war protest and companies that sell female erogenous cream than help his daughter pay her rent. He backed out, leaving us to fend for ourselves. At the same time, my dad (who is retired with his 2nd wife and lives on a beach) told me I was essentially cut off as well, since he was tired of providing his sons with money all the time.
To top it all off, Emily was having some personal issues at the time (she was raped several times throughout her life). Me being a psych major, I did what I could to help. I often stayed up with her until 7:00 talking through some things and helping her get better. I went to class less and less, and in December I got suspended from school for a year because of it.
That's where I was.
This is where I am.
I live in a nice one bedroom apartment with a den in the professional district of the complex, I'm engaged, and we just got a puppy. I have a full time job I enjoy and I make decent money from it. The credit card bill comes down a little more every month. I get back into school in January so I can get my degree. The dishes are always clean here, and nobody is ever standing on my lawn before sunrise screaming in a drunken rage. We don't have money to spend on fun stuff and that gets me down sometimes, but the bills are always paid and the water is always hot.
Stay real, Galok. It does get better. Make some solid choices. Concentrate on getting a job first, then get away from the deadbeat and thieving roommates. Find someone stable to move in with. Live with your family if you have to, I had to move back in with Mommy once. It sucked, but it was better than creditors calling.
You have all the support you could ever ask for, mano.
------------------
- Ragorn
Rondandal tells you 'I take it your goal is to clash?'
Ragorn,
It's good that things have gotten better for you. It's so easy to give up.
If anyone ever needs to talk to me, mmail me or email me and we can talk.
*hugs*
------------------
Musi "Desperate to get ress" {-Randgriur-} Waelcyrge Sororitas
[This message has been edited by Musi (edited 10-29-2002).]
It's good that things have gotten better for you. It's so easy to give up.
If anyone ever needs to talk to me, mmail me or email me and we can talk
.*hugs*
------------------
Musi "Desperate to get ress" {-Randgriur-} Waelcyrge Sororitas
[This message has been edited by Musi (edited 10-29-2002).]
-
Gromikazer
- Sojourner
- Posts: 244
- Joined: Wed Apr 10, 2002 5:01 am
Well, I didn't really expect this kind of response, but it warms my heart knowing that there are people that live it out. It gives me hope to know it is possible. I haven't been through some bad things like some others, including some unspeakables that I hate to imagine. I feel for you all too, and I want to thank you for all your support in giving me and others the needed pat on the back to keep their head up and to keep going. I really do appreciate your heartful comments.
May God bless you all.
------------------
Gromikazer Terrorforge -Veldruk- Orbdrin D'oloth
May God bless you all.
------------------
Gromikazer Terrorforge -Veldruk- Orbdrin D'oloth
Daz,
I agree, although I didn't vote for Bush in the first place
I knew what was going to happen, but everyone (even my husband) except for my family voted for him I got laid off 3 months after he was in office, with the hope that if the economy picks up again, I'll get rehired. That was March 2000. Had crappy temp jobs that paid min wage, busting my ass, praying that I'd get hired on full time. I have 2 degrees and STILL can't get hired, so I'm going into the medical field, where a computer can't take my job
*hugs* to everyone that's going through econ hardship Things will get better, soon hopefully for all of us. If anyone ever needs a shoulder, or just someone to listen, I will be here for you Just like you guys have been for me I love you guys!
------------------
Musi "Desperate to get ress" {-Randgriur-} Waelcyrge Sororitas
I agree, although I didn't vote for Bush in the first place
I knew what was going to happen, but everyone (even my husband) except for my family voted for him I got laid off 3 months after he was in office, with the hope that if the economy picks up again, I'll get rehired. That was March 2000. Had crappy temp jobs that paid min wage, busting my ass, praying that I'd get hired on full time. I have 2 degrees and STILL can't get hired, so I'm going into the medical field, where a computer can't take my job *hugs* to everyone that's going through econ hardship
Things will get better, soon hopefully for all of us. If anyone ever needs a shoulder, or just someone to listen, I will be here for you Just like you guys have been for me I love you guys!------------------
Musi "Desperate to get ress" {-Randgriur-} Waelcyrge Sororitas
After reading these posts, my troubles seem piddling. Hang in there mang, you can pull through it, just look at those people that posted about how their lives turned around.
If any of you need someone to talk to, I am on ICQ and my email address is there for all as well us mudmail etc, etc.
On a side note, come to Canada, the dental work other than root canals and wisdom teeth are covered by provincial health care, and our economy is not in that bad of a bind yet.
------------------
Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.
If any of you need someone to talk to, I am on ICQ and my email address is there for all as well us mudmail etc, etc.
On a side note, come to Canada, the dental work other than root canals and wisdom teeth are covered by provincial health care, and our economy is not in that bad of a bind yet.
------------------
Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Daz:
I'm voting democrat next time :P This whole struggling to find work blows. And I'm not gonna listen to any arguments about how bush is helping the country.</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I think the problem is that rather than going fully with a Peace plan or a War plan, we're stuck halfway in between.
------------------
You tell Ushug 'err... spankmistress??'
Ushug tells you 'you can't help it, I've always thought of mori as a chick'
I'm voting democrat next time :P This whole struggling to find work blows. And I'm not gonna listen to any arguments about how bush is helping the country.</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I think the problem is that rather than going fully with a Peace plan or a War plan, we're stuck halfway in between.
------------------
You tell Ushug 'err... spankmistress??'
Ushug tells you 'you can't help it, I've always thought of mori as a chick'
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