Archived discussion from Toril-2.
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Postby amolol » Thu May 17, 2007 7:23 am

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-…. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Numb Nuts
i dont know what your problem is, but i bet its hard to pronounce
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Postby Birile » Thu May 17, 2007 1:25 pm

There are no words...

especially 'cause I'm still laughing.
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Postby Corth » Thu May 17, 2007 8:50 pm

Keep up the good work and maybe one day you'll win a Darwin Award.
Having said all that, the situation has been handled, so this thread is pretty much at an end. -Kossuth

Goddamned slippery mage.
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Postby ssar » Thu May 17, 2007 9:33 pm

ROFL! That's awesome.

For the first few lines, I thought you were buying a tazer to USE on your wife.

My nipples are twitching.
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Postby amolol » Thu May 17, 2007 10:23 pm

this is not my story btw my father found it on the net.... i have no wife or cat... tho i have been hit with a tazer.....
i dont know what your problem is, but i bet its hard to pronounce
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Postby Ashiwi » Fri May 18, 2007 12:10 am

OMG... I laughed my ass off! Until I realized it wasn't you. It wasn't nearly as funny then.

Chalk this up under "Don't try this at home."
Gormal tells you 'im a dwarven onion'
Gormal tells you 'always another beer-soaked layer'

Inama ASSOC:: 'though it may suit your fantasies to think so, i don't need oil for anything.'

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Postby moritheil » Fri May 18, 2007 5:21 pm

Ashiwi wrote:OMG... I laughed my ass off! Until I realized it wasn't you. It wasn't nearly as funny then.

Ah, feel the love. :D
Yotus group-says 'special quest if you type hi dragon'
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Postby Cirath » Fri May 18, 2007 11:13 pm

amolol wrote:this is not my story btw my father found it on the net.... i have no wife or cat... tho i have been hit with a tazer.....

So, sadly, it could very well be invented to entertain. However, my old roommate bought a stun gun some time ago (about 10 years ago), and was curious how effective it was. He handed it to his father, asking that it be used on him as a test. Most parents would have hesitated, or argued, or even completely declined, but in this case, the zapping commenced immediately, and the rest of the story sounds very similar to this one.

His father still mocks him about it now and then (especially when I encourage it).
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Postby Ambar » Sat May 19, 2007 12:50 pm

Read this ages upon ages ago after receiving it in one of those incessant forwarded emails I get from one of my aunties, but still funny anyway :)

Don't you hate whejn people forward an email that was forwarded to you by the same person that sent them the email? Grumble

Hehe internet peeve, that and chain emails .. NO, Bill Gates will NOT send me 100$ (or whatever that silly thing was)
"When a child is born, so is a grandmother."

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