If I were an Evil Overlord

Archived discussion from Toril-2.
Posts: 665
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2001 6:01 am
Location: St. Cloud, MN

If I were an Evil Overlord

Postby Kegor » Sun Dec 09, 2007 12:07 am

Saw this on another board and thought you guys would like it. The original poster is anonymous.

Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord...

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well," and kill her.

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones that can hide the enemy.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No" and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my master plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless --my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out the attacking leader among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?'', I will reply "This.'' and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals -- The flames will be constant!

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the death ray.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive -- unless he resists."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to at least 1.45Mb in size so that it won't conveniently fit on a single diskette.

I will not waste time making a death look accidental. I am not accountable to anyone, and no one will believe it anyway.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word ‘MERCY’. I simply choose not to show any.

I will not speak with an accent. Sounding like a foreigner in one’s own realm has no positive benefit, and may even be counter-productive.

I will not subsidize giant statues or portraits of myself, however flattering they might be. Such reassurances of my authority are unnecessary, and the money is better spent on other things.

No matter what benefits may be at stake, I will not risk everything in favour of a complex mystical ceremony or near-impossible scientific procedure that can only be completed under the rarest of circumstances.

My secret bases will not be located anywhere that might otherwise be considered "interesting" by others. Furthermore, they will not depend on local superstitions and legends to maintain their secrecy.

I will not waste time building elaborate death traps. No matter how well-tested and diabolical the design, heroes always escape.

I will not tell dangerous prisoners my life story, cajole them to change loyalties, attempt to extract information, reveal my Master Plan(s), or host guided tours of my citadel. I will simply kill them.

The old loony single-handedly running an obscure part of my organization will be well-treated, kept up to date on all current events, and provided with several dedicated helpers (all of whom will be reporting separately and secretly to me).

If the aforementioned old loony ever behaves uncharacteristically, I will express concern and immediately have him brought in for questioning, rather than ignore the situation.

I will hire people to regularly climb public landmarks and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, incite rebellion, etc.. Thus, if ‘the real thing’ ever comes along, the citizenry will have lost all interest.

If I cannot control the city guard / police, I will at least maintain friendly relations with them. With a little encouragement, they are much more likely to side with me than weird vigilantes who make them look incompetent.

Any philanthropic work of mine will remain completely above board. This will have the dual benefit of improving my PR image and driving my foes crazy as they try to figure out what I am up to.

The enemy of my enemy is neither my friend or an expendable pawn. He or she is a resource to be carefully looked after, used at times of maximum benefit to myself AND, under no circumstances, to allow to get behind me.

I will not harass, or tolerate harassment of, people in my realm who obey my laws and otherwise mind their own business.

I will not imprison foes all together in one cell, or even in the same prison.

I will not position my dungeons, slave pens, or torture chambers anywhere near my quarters or the armoury.

I will know how to swim. You never can tell.

I will maintain an excellent credit rating. Once again, you never can tell.

I will cultivate a wide range of interests and hobbies, rather than becoming expert in a few subjects of dubious value.

My fortress will not be kept in a rundown state. It lowers the resale value, encourages slackness amongst the staff, and provides intruders with extra hiding places.

I will not excessively tax the citizens of my domain. The long-term gains are minimal, and it only encourages rebellion.

I will not desecrate temples or kill holy people unless they do something that really, really annoys me.

I will not take it personally when a mysterious stranger bests several of my henchmen in combat. Instead, I will offer him a well-paying job - as far away from me as I can possibly arrange.

I will treat with healthy scepticism anybody offering to betray friends, family, or principles for a modest bribe.

Public executions will be quick, simple, and conducted at a secure location. All entrances to the area (both above and below ground) will be heavily guarded, as will be all vantage points in the vicinity.

All buildings and vehicles in or close to the aforementioned execution area will be thoroughly searched before the event.

Condemned prisoners will not be permitted visitors (refer #24), nor will they be housed in cells with commanding views of the castle and/or surrounding area.

Anyone coming into contact with prisoners (including guards, priests, undertakers, executioners, and VIPs) will be subjected to at least one body search and two ID checks both before and after said contact.

I will only make use of poisons to which I personally am immune.

The aforementioned poisons will be designed to paralyze and kill very very quickly. There should be absolutely no oppurtunity for victims to run around looking for the antidote.

Fortune-tellers with a proven success rate will be offered a choice between a ghastly death or working exclusively for me. If the first option is chosen, I will recognize this as a sign of imminent trouble.

Regardless of how useful it may be otherwise, I will not place any great dependance upon machinery that can be deactivated or destroyed by the loss of one specific part.

I will never utilize devices with digital countdowns. If such a thing is unavoidable, it will activate when the counter reaches ‘117’ - which should be just as the Heroes put their plan into effect (they HATE that!).

My computer systems will be not be compatible with commercial systems, or have a multitude of outside connections. This should reduce the chances of my entire organization being incapacitated by a child with a lap-top and a modem.

Whether computer or hard-copy, my filing system will include an enormous number of folders marked 'Top Secret', 'Restricted Access', etc.. All will look impressive, but have totally false data.

My truly important files will have multiple back-up copies - all encrypted, kept at separate secure locations, and listed under seemingly innocuous or boring titles.

If I must use a combination, code, PIN, or password for anything, it will be completely randomized - not something that can be guessed within five minutes by a social acquaintance or reader of my biography.

My vehicles will be fitted with safety belts and built-in parachutes, for the inevitable falls off high cliffs.

My vehicles will be designed to only catch fire and/or explode in order to conceal successful use of the emergency escape system.

Unless specifically required by circumstances, vehicles used for covert missions by my organization will NOT be dark limousines.

My troops will not gather like sheep whenever there is a disturbance.

Dangerous substances will not be stockpiled unless absolutely essential for my purposes. If so, they will be kept in relatively small quantities in several separate locations - NOT all in one place!

The aforementioned dangerous substances will NEVER be stored near important things like my inner sanctum, the armoury, major power sources or key structural points of my fortress.

The design of my killer robots will make due allowance for stairs and normal doorways.

My clothing will be practical enough that I can dress or undress quickly without outside assistance.

Since even the best of us can have a bad day, the aforementioned clothing will be easy to run in. It will also have light fireproof armour carefully tailored into the lining.

At all times, I will secretly carry a Swiss Army knife, keys to prepared escape routes, cash, bank account numbers, bandages, pencil, paper, disguise, and passport.

I will never depend on just one ‘Master Plan’ to achieve my goals. Instead, there will be at least two plans ready or in effect at any given time (with full details of each known only to me).

A reputation for dishonesty makes others even less willing to trust me, and habitual treachery sets a bad example for subordinates. Therefore, I will not be either dishonest or treacherous unless there is a good reason.

Although I truly don’t care (because I plan to live forever), my fortress will be sturdy enough to not mysteriously collapse when I am slain.

If captured, I will not assume my captors are consistently stupid, incompetent, or corrupt. After all, they did capture me.

If captured, I will not depend on my captors' sense of fair play to protect me from all harm.
Staff Member - Quests
Posts: 522
Joined: Fri Apr 12, 2002 5:01 am

Postby Auril » Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:18 pm

I look this over somewhat regularly. Good advice! ;)
Posts: 2872
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2002 5:01 am
Location: Our House in Va.

Postby Ambar » Mon Dec 10, 2007 1:22 am

Auril wrote:I look this over somewhat regularly. Good advice! ;)

I am very scared! :)
"When a child is born, so is a grandmother."

-Italian Proverb
Posts: 517
Joined: Fri Jun 29, 2001 5:01 am

Postby Cirath » Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:36 am

You can't go wrong with the classics. Maybe I should link the Skippylist to go with it.

Oh, I guess I just did...
Posts: 998
Joined: Fri Aug 16, 2002 5:01 am
Location: Dobluth Kyor

Postby Llaaldara » Fri Dec 21, 2007 6:16 pm

Hehehehe that was great! =^)

"At all times, I will secretly carry a Swiss Army knife, keys to prepared escape routes, cash, bank account numbers, bandages, pencil, paper, disguise, and passport. "

I was thinking how.. if you made a villain that had all these qualities, he'd be pretty badass!!
Posts: 7275
Joined: Sat Apr 14, 2001 5:01 am
Location: Los Angeles, CA and Flagstaff, AZ

Postby kiryan » Mon Dec 24, 2007 10:52 pm

why we are all evil overlords and I am your king
and tonights winner in the Toril EQ lottery is demi belt and skull earring!

Return to “General Discussion Archive”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests